What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
