none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
