Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
