Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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