I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We got so high we made milksteak
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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