i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pants are for mortals
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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