If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
