She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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