I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
