I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
