Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
