it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
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I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?