I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
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Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty