i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
