I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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