I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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