I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
