Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
