you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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