i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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