clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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