i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
