6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
