Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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