my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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