well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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