he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
