my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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