Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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