I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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