Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
