Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
