chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
