I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
