meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
In America we eat man semen.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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