Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
