the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
