think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
