...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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