you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was CRYING into my vagina
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
