I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
