So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
