the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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