Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
