I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
