Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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