god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
