i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Text me some of your sweat
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
