Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
