I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
where are my eyebrows?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
