The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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