I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
