so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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