Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
