how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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