you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
