I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
