Your tits are I can't wait for
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
