Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
